Nuzerov Quartets 6, 7 & 8

12/21/99--My community lies within the purity of my belief. It is between me and God. It is not about the tradition of how we pray together, but a never-ending connect with Truth and the perpetual striving for perfection. My laws are simple but as direct as the first ten given to Moses. They are about desire and how that desire will ultimately mold the vision of what is first to be created. They are about listening and how steadfastly I listen to the voices that guide me. Such a joyful noise, I pray that I'm able to write it all down!! Everything I have ever dreamed for myself ... of those dreams fulfilled, I have already lived from inception. The journey to these "successes" are, in the most part, radically different from anything I ever thought I'd have to journey. As far as the unfulfilled dreams ... I'm still dreaming and striving for their fruition. This has been an incredible spiritual experience. To fight through my fears and insecurities as to whether I can write another note or, more important, "Is it worth writing down?," I guess will haunt me to the end. In the meantime, the journey to refine continues; searching, always listening through my heart to God. Dreaming to be good at something is not enough. Yes, it is obviously important to know "at what," but then it is all about the relentless hard work to prove to yourself, against all your insecurities, whether or not you are succeeding. And when the fleeting moments of self-satisfaction quickly pass, as they inevitably will, you must still have that desire to continue, no matter how weakened by your next revelation of mediocrity, until the next revelation and evolution to a higher plane. This continuum, this sine wave of emotions will plague the mind, though softened by the heart and soul to the end of consciousness. Then and only then time will tell you if you have succeeded.

4/16/00--It seems that everyone has their own exclusive club with its subjective elitism, excluding everybody else. As for myself, I wish to be part of the world as a whole and as a result, wish to communicate with everyone.

5/19/00--The perpetual need for self enlightenment, "I am, therefore I think," is the awareness of our creation and the subsequent responsibility to nurture, grow and pay back the earned wisdom, adding to the collective consciousness. The resulting synergy is the Godhead and those participating in this creative reality are the "chosen." Though I find organized religion important in the respect that it gives order to so many and creates community for those who otherwise have none, I find the resulting "institutionalization" and "politic" of organized religion the antithesis of being with God. To walk with God every day one doesn't need witnesses to attest how pious one is. Being with God is personal, and the individual who chooses this path will know when he deviates from it. Organized sects have a tradition of community; some older than others. Their continuance is more important than the pursuit of God that they profess, and this resulting self-importance has caused war and genocide throughout the ages. God didn't create Himself for those who are aware of Him to destroy themselves. God is ... Enlightenment falls onto the (chosen) few who recognize the need to be "human." Ironically, it has been the enlightened few who have been the target of persecution by the religious traditionalists since time began. The only solace is God's love when recognizing one's purpose and subsequent vision quest in life. This ultimate gift is not to be bored. There is a heaven and hell! And mankind has the power to choose. It is truly about listening!

Everything that is ... is.
Everything that was ... is.

Everything that first will be ... is.

If there is a variant in this steadfast law, it is only within the question of how relentless one chooses to believe.

6/14/00--Arrived in Nuzerov, (loosely translated: chestnut village), with Yitka (my wife) and Sebastian (our son) and immediately set up my work station. I've been up thirty-six hours and need to crash. It's a scary place I'm about to enter. I'm always nervous about the quality of what I will produce, if anything.

7/6/00--Creating is very painful because of its lonely process. It takes tremendous energy, though only specific elements are used. The fact that I can burn off excess mania doing physical labor on the farm has allowed me to clear so that expediting my conceptions comes to relative speedy fruition. It could all be nonsense but, at the moment, "If it ain't broke, why fix it?" Van Gogh wasn't first crazy ... He was first lonely and unrequited. Powerful stuff. How long one can handle such stress is anyone's guess. Add in natures bio rhythm, i.e.: It has rained six out of seven days with the barometric pressure so low that being creative, let alone, not falling asleep, let alone, keeping your eyes from crossing, is a titanic undertaking. I will find the light whether the sun decides to shine again or not.

8/12/00--Art, with a capital "A," unfortunately has to navigate where most spell it with a small "r." In a world only aware of its own generation's history, where history mercilessly repeats itself, I find myself clinging to the threads of classicism with my juxtaposed emotions weighing heavily upon my creativity. Push on, push on!